SCOTT LEGGAT (1980-PRESENT DAY)

Hello. Thanks for deciding to click on my web page. If you have no idea how you got here, then you have clearly made a terrible error. If you are one of these people, I will allow you several seconds to leave…

Hi, my name is Scott Leggat, and any rumours you have heard about me being a Roman king are very untrue. I have worked at the Inversnecky Café since May 1998, held against my will by the evil Martin Vicca, an ex-lawyer who turned to his current managerial role to avoid a jail sentence by virtue of many years of crooked cases. The staff at the Inversnecky alters greatly throughout the year, people come and go. Yet, a select few stay for the long haul, such as myself. It could be because I am a respected member of staff, looked up to by many. Or the fact that I have been threatened by death via ice-cream van by Mr Vicca if I so choose to end my term here and work elsewhere.

A bit about myself. I am currently at college studying Social Sciences, while working part time here. My interests are my two passions, wrestling and music. I could allow myself to be pulled into a heated debate about wrestling, as I am sure many of you have preconceptions on the subject, but needless to say I will defend wrestling till death. As for music, I love heavy metal, punk….really mainly guitar based music. I won’t dwell too much on this; rather fill you in on the history of the café. Any stories that you may have read about the café are bogus. Many angry fisherman, and retired park keepers have attempted to alter the café’s past. The following is a true account of the Inversnecky Café…..

The year was November 21^st of June, 1981, and on the Aberdeen Sea Beach two miners were fighting over the ownership of a pea green felt hat. The resulting tussle caused one of the men to jerk forward, in a forward like motion. Contact with a rock on the sand below was almost certain. He attempted to avoid the impending blow to the head by producing a fold-out A-Z map of the British Isles from his curled toe shoes. He successfully cushioned the impact, but unbeknown to him the other man suffered 75 separate leg cramps and passed away. With a heart full of remorse the man swallowed his map whole and vowed at that point to be a better person to all. Armed with his felt hat, he went about following his new dream. He was going to become…a doctor.

20 seconds later, he came to terms with his lack of intelligence, so instead opted to open a café.

But he couldn’t do it alone. He needed help, but from whom. Then by chance he found it. During one of his regular visits to the ‘Heart Displacement Centre…(London)’ he met the creator of Carchick, the car chicken combination for all ages, “The Male Gun for Hire” Alex Dimmpy. He pitched his idea, and after 29 ½ minutes of brutally beating him with a hoover, he agreed to be his partner. He was so happy the man decided to adopt a cabbage. (IT SHOULD BE POINTED OUT THAT THE MAN HAS NO NAME, HIS PARENTS DEEMED HIM OF SUCH LITTLE IMPORTANCE THEY DIDN’T NAME HIM)

By mid December, things had fallen into place. Phone calls lead to finding a banded shop at the beach, which was promptly acquired for a minimal price. The revamp on the location had started. Yet one thing stood in their way. Colin Moore.

Colin Moore was an outcast. The man shaped like an orange. Scarred by endless taunts, Colin had closed himself off from society. Angry at the man’s success, he attempted to destroy his plans. One silent night, he broke into the would be café. In a blind rage in hung fake ID’s from all reachable perches, swapped all chairs with Super Ted shaped coat hangers, for it is a little known fact that in Aberdeen that this actions render would-be café owners become unable to speak. The man awoke the next morning to find himself with the inability to utter even one word. He assumed his dreams had gone up in smoke. That was until a hero, his own knight in shining armour arrived. He was Noel Edmonds (“I’m that bloke on the telly on Christmas day”).

Noel was visiting Aberdeen with the intention of breaking yet another world record, the most cats stacked in a vertical fashion in 5 minutes. By chance he meet the man, has the man was picking fluff from his navel in a local park. Noel sensed the depression in the man’s heart and asked what was wrong. The man wrote on notepaper his situation. Noel was enraged at Colin’s horrible deeds and vowed to right the wrong that had been created. Noel challenged Colin to fight in a childs paddling pool. Both would have to be blindfolded, and do combat on their knees. Colin accepted Noel’s challenged, and the two met on January 17^th, 1982, 30 minutes after “Jackanory”. (IT SHOULD BE POINTED OUT THAT THE MAN’S PARTNER ALEX HAD BEEN ARRESTED FOR STEALING A CRATE OF MILK.)

100’s gathered to watch the battle. Noel immediately had the advantage due to his 34-foot long arms and ninja background. Before too long, Colin was defeated, when Colin’s heart turned into a full string quartet. The curse was lifted and the man could once again speak. Hooray.

However, though man could now speak, certain words he found hard to repeat, such as “lemon”, “tofu” and “mister Cliff O’Neill”. During one session of rehab, the man accidentally mixed up his words, and in the process said “INVERSNECKY CAFÉ”. He assumed it was a sign from the heavens, or the maggot pie he ate a day before hand. From that moment he vowed to name his café just that….

…..The rest is history.

By the way I’m the man who invented sandwich-based products….

On a more serious note, me and a group of friends have a backyard-wrestling group called the AWA. It is purely for fun, nothing professional; none of us having any proper experience. Sadly at the moment we are seriously lacking in numbers, and need extra people. So if your 16 years of age and over, live in the Aberdeen area, love wrestling and are extremely reliable and would like to take part, please contact us on one of the following numbers.

SCOTT LEGGAT (ME!): 07751356862

BILL HARPER: 07944164341

We have a bunch of tapes of us wrestling if you want to see exactly what it is we do. Again I must stress the word reliable. Level of ability is not important, but honesty and reliability is. If you yourself are not interested but know of someone who maybe, please pass on the above numbers to them. Thank you very much.